A Candle for Mom Brain

A Candle for Mom BrainPhone in the fridge again. I used to have functioning brain cells, but that no good husband of mine screwed me over and now I have feral children instead. If I have to hear, "Mom, he's hitting me" and, "Call 911!" one more time, I swear to the Grey Goose god Speaking of which, have you seen my double martini? And the baby? They were both in the oven last time I checked. Soggy Cheerios Scented Fragrance: Fresh Milk, Honey Almond, Oatmeal Milk & Honey

Left-Handed But Always Right

and cicadas

" Whatever that means

I’m going to write a scathing anonymous note about gum chewing and post it on the bulletin board with all my other scathing anonymous notes

Just wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you're

I Accidentally Drank Some Bleach

So we’ve carefully crafted a few extremely plausible excuses to get you out of all those pesky social obligations

bug-free day of they year

we were all just minding our own businesses behind masks and politeness distances at Trader Joe's and in stormed THIS walking can of hair spray

Wait til You Meet My Other Personality

Ginger Ale

You know how much I love mingling